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[from FB post: January 20, 2017]
Love Marriage on the Down Low in Saudi Arabia
Saudi Arabia has arranged marriage and by arranged marriage I mean a Western person's worst nightmare of that institution -- "you are getting married now to this person, period".
I would like to go on record that although some high school sweetheart friends of mine are STILL married and very much in love, "love marriage" in our own culture is not exactly perfect. We all know that hormones and other things cloud judgement and many marriages end in failure. In my travels and lives overseas, I have met many people who had arranged marriages (less severe than the Saudi variety) and are quite happily married. I am not against love marriage nor do I think arranged marriage is always the best, but I want to relate how a friend of mine beat the system here and chose his own wife.
In a society where guys and girls get married "when they are told to", the idea of a love marriage is something of a distant dream. Of course, people watch movies here from the West, South Asia and even other Middle Eastern countries and see love marriages played out again and again on the big screen. Culture rules the roost, however, and most people here get married when their parents tell them to. This is how it happens. "Time to get married, Ahmed". Ahmed's Mom and sisters put out the word that he is looking for a wife. More correctly put, THEY are looking for a wife for him. Poor Ahmed can just sit back and relax -- all the matching and vetting is done by his female kin. When a girl is found, both families get together and the prospective couple get ONE supervised visit where she uncovers her face and then the couple have a chance to have a conversation with each other (I can only imagine how uncomfortable those first meetings must be with family standing all around). After the meeting, everyone goes home. Then the guy and girl report to their respective families if they find their future spouse acceptable. My friends say usually by this point, it is a done deal, but sometimes the guy (or girl) says "no way". If accepted, congratulations you are engaged. During your engagement you can call, text or email, so there is a kind of period of getting to know each other. After a few months or even a few years, you will be married and then basically go off to start a life with someone you met in person only once. Usually, after engagement the guy refers to his fiance as his wife - there is really no turning back at that point.
Now take some time to ponder the role of the mom and sisters in all of this. Many outsiders have the view that "ohhh Saudi women are quite powerless, etc etc", but what a trump card to hold over your son or brother that YOU will be the one choosing his future wife. "Be nice to your mom and sisters" takes on a whole new meaning in this context. This becomes an important piece of the puzzle for those who are getting around the Saudi system and trying their best to choose their own partners.
Now back to my friend, "Y". He is from a wealthy and well known family in Riyadh. He is a lecturer at my university and has his masters from the USA. After living in the US he said "No way I am having an arranged marriage". I thought to myself "yeah, good luck on that". So this is how he managed to beat the system -- he was working at an international conference which is one of those rare venues in Saudi Arabia that men and women can mix freely. While working on the conference, he worked with a young woman from our university and was smitten. What happened next? He called his sister and told her he was in love and could SHE call this young lady and find out if she was interested. She was. Next step, his sister and future wife created a longtime friendship that both families just never really knew about. After that friendship was established and secure, "Y" told his Mom "Hey, I think I am ready to get married". His mom told his sister and his sister said OMG my friend "A", she would just be perfect for "Y". His mom and sister met "A", agreed that she was indeed perfect and told "Y" that they had found someone. Then things followed the normal track with both families either not knowing or just ignoring the subterfuge. As long as everyone was happy and they followed all the rules, Saudi culture had been preserved.
I am certain this is not the first time this has happened in Saudi Arabia, but it does show that "love can find a way". My friend is happily married with a son now. He managed to have a love marriage where for most people it is just a fantasy.
Postscript: to the best of my knowledge YAJ, my friend from this example, is happily married with two kids and pursuing his PhD in the United States!
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